Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Fall! Let's eat!

Woof! and greetings to all, canine and otherwise.

I have emerged, survived, persisted and perservered. I made it through the summer. Man, I am just not a warm-weather dog. Any day over 75 and I'm dying. All I can do is lay around. HE and SHE took me out with them on a mt bike ride a couple of weeks ago. HE had to go get the truck and pick me up at the end of it, I was so beat. Just didn't get that much training in this year, and it was still too hot for me.

But now, YES! The air is crisp and cool in the mornings and its not too hot all day. I am hoping for some nice walks in the woods - the smells get so interesting this time of year. It's also the time of year when I like to start eating more - but my peoples don't get it. They still keep me on a strict ration of food. I say, what's so important about keeping my weight around 77lbs? I think I could stand to put on a few pounds (and so could my people - everyone is always telling them they're too skinny). Ah well, the holidays are coming soon. Maybe they'll deign to give me some table scraps - I never, ever get people food unless its from a new friend, and then my new friend gets scolded by HE or SHE if they are caught in the act.

I suppose they do that because they love me. I suppose...

Autumnally and blissfully yours,
Willie, the Wonder Dog (as in I wonder why i don't get more food???)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Oops I did it again

Dear friends,

I had the most amazing experience last weekend! I live in a house where there is a pool - that's right - absolute heaven for a swimmin' dog like me. Trouble is "Moomma don't allow no doggies swimmin' round here." So close and yet so far, that cool blue beckons me on these hot days. Then HE and SHE and all their friends go plunging into the cool wetness, taunting me with their enjoyment. I lay panting in the shade, hot and miserable while they frolic in the water.

And then last week all that changed.... I met Auntie Kay and Auntie Chris.

It was Sunday, and HE and SHE left me alone at home while they went off on their bikes. Down in the basement, I was crying off and on. (Well, ok, first I enjoyed the kat-thing's food, and then I started crying.) Suddenly, the door opened so I raced up the stairs to find a very nice woman who petted me and talked nicely. She let me outside. I would later learn that this is Kay. She went out back by the pool and I joined her, taking my usual spot in the shade. It was a very, very hot day.

Next, along came another woman, also very nice to me. This was Chris. After some of that blah blah blah stuff that humans do, they both went into the pool. Arrrgh! I was so hot. And then, a miracle! Chris invited me in. At first I thought Really? but I didn't hesitate for long. In I went.

Absolutely wonderful! Of course I upheld my responsibility for protection in the water - I had to rescue Chris a couple of times, I think. (Humans are such awkward swimmers I can never tell...) She seemed to enjoy this.

We had a great time, and then I went to dry off for a bit before returning to that blue bliss. I was just dipping my paw in when I heard Kay whisper No, Willie, get out! Your parents are home!

And so they were. Kay and Chris were scolded, but not me. They think I don't know any better. I keep trying to re-live the experience but all I've been able to do is get the front paws in on the steps. And then, I am caught.

If I ever do manage to get in there again, I have a song I'm going to sing to them:

Oops I did it again
I went in the pool
Though I'm not allowed
Ooh baby, baby

Think I'm the perfect pet?
So how'd I get wet???
I'm not that innocent!

Brittany, eat your heart out... AWWWWOOOOO!

Chow Babies,
Willie the (wet and wild) Wonder Dog

P.S. Auntie Kay and Auntie Chris - I LOVE YOU!!! Lick lick, slobber slobber.

Saturday, June 04, 2005


Hey faithful readers,

Yeah, I've been MIA from my blog. There's just been so much to do now that the weather is nice.
First, there's the gardening and the lawn mowing.
He and She don't really like my style of gardening. Ok, so I see them pulling stuff up so I pull some stuff up too. All I get is "Bad Dog!!" Hey, I'm trying, so give me a break.
And then there's the mowing. It seems endless. He is out there every other day with that thing. Vroom, vroom. So I follow along behind, and help out by pulling up some of that grass on my way. All I get is "Bad Dog!!"
WHAT is their problem? Do they not appreciate my efforts?
Besides the gardening and mowing, there is the all-important RIDING to do. We get out there and I go nuts! I love being out in the woods with all the different smells, the mud, the water. It's just frickin' great, hey. Then she gets going and zoom! She's outa sight - no literally - she's out of sight. I do my best to keep up, and I get pretty hot in the process. All that running... So when I see a nice cool mud-hole I'm in it. I don't get "Bad Dog!!" but I get "Awww, come on..." And then she lets me go swimming. That actual feels pretty good if the water isn't too cold. But I seem to shake it off at inappropriate times - note to self: shake before getting into the car and not near the people.
So, ok, that's what I've been doing. And let me tell you, I am pooped. I got green feet and grass in my teeth and I smell like a stagnant pond.
And I've never been happier.
Hope your spring is as good as mine has been.

Best regards,
Willie, the wonder dog

Friday, April 22, 2005

Your home-town savings and clone...

Oh yes oh yes oh yessssss! The mountain biking season has begun in earnest. SHE and HE have both taken me out on the trails for some fast-paced fun in the forest. There's plenty of mud to sit in and plenty of water to drink, so I'm just lovin' it!

I'm also lucky because the big blue truck-macheen DORF (or is he called FORD?) is back in our lives - there's plenty of room for me and the bikes. I love him. In that other little white box-macheen (I think they call it SUBARU?) I have to try to perch in the front seat because the bike takes up the whole back. Not comfy...

Well, I didn't run the Iditarod, but I am doggone (pardon the pun) tired tonight! Still, I had to write to tell you all about the most amazing thing that SHE and HE were discussing the other day - cloning pets. I'm not even kidding you!

There is a company called Genetic Savings and Clone (For real, hey!) that's out in California. So far they've only cloned cats. Get this: they named two kittens that they cloned Tabouli and Baba Ganoush. (Food names, how apt. I haven't had a good cat in a while - they won't let me eat the one who lives here.) A pretty expensive lunch - $50,000 to copy a cat! Oh wait, I see the price has dropped to a meer $32,000 now. SHEEESH! That's a lotta kibble for a figgin' kat-thing.

Anyway, this company has not yet been able to clone any dogs. Apparently, cats have less complicated (read: primitive heh heh heh! ) reproductive systems so its easier to copy them. Dogs, being the complex and amazing creatures that we are, are not so easy. So right now, GSC is offering to preserve canine genetic material for owners who are willing to wait until the day technology evolves and they can finally get a copy of their beloved pet.

They say it right on their web site - when Fido dies, chuck him into the fridge (but not the freezer, they warn) within a day or two. Then you can take him to the man-with-the-white-coat-who-always-pokes-needles-into-me (aka "The VET") and get the sample to send to GSC. Sounds crazy to me, but right in line with what I expect of humans. Read all about it: www.savingsandclone.com

Hmm, now that I think about it, SHE was just out in California. This brings me to wonder what's going on here? What time is it? Did I eat yet? (hey, I'm a dog, my mind wanders...) Well, even if she did deliver my DNA to GSC, what good will it do her when I'm gone? As the song says, "There wil never, ever be another you", I mean me, I mean... gosh darn it...

I am special!!! I am unique!!! You cannot just xerox me!!! I say, go xerox your butt!

Oh, I guess humans actually do that for fun. They are so weird...

Oh my DOG! I just had another thought: what if SHE's going to clone that kat-thing? Please, no!! One of him is enough for a lifetime!
I think I'm too worried to sleep now.

Willie, The one and only Wonder Dog!

Friday, April 08, 2005

You are what you read (or pee on...)

Wanna know a secret? Some dogs can actually read, and I am one of them. Now shhhh! Don’t tell anyone about this Confidential Canine Capability (or “CCC”, not to be confused, please, with “KKK”).

I was fortunate, during my puppy-daze, to be exposed to a wide variety of newspapers at frequent intervals. This afforded me ample opportunity to evaluate their content and other qualities and form my own impressions of their distinctive literary styles and political leanings.

The other day SHE got one of those infamous (yet sometimes entertaining) forwarded e-mails that described typical readers for a variety of newpapers. I have included the text here, along with my own comments on the various publications mentioned.

  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
    Stress! Pressure! Gave me the runs.
  • The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by the people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
    I never heard a real human use this kind of language. Is New York the land of “Uber-Humans”? Seems like a very scary place. We have some of those here in the Happy Valley, too, but they have their own reservations called "Colleges". They rarely venture out into the countryside, so I am safe.
  • USA Today is read by the people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
    Note to self: The pie chart colors bleed through to the kitchen floor if you pee on them. SHE sure knows a lot of profanity for a mom, hey!
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
    Earthy crunchy bunch of tree huggers – soy ink tastes awful!!! - I pee on your trees!!!
  • The Boston Globe is read by the people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
    More constipation. (But I’d look so good on a yacht, or cruising in the back seat of the Bentley, with my own chauffeur and a butler to throw that ball again, and again, and again…) Ahhhh, now that’s better!
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
    That self-serving cat beat me to it! I ain’t sharing my poopy place with no cat!
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
    Too busy reading – forgot to pee on paper. Remembered to pee, but on rug. Uh oh - spanky time...
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
    Did you know that some dog poops look just like fine Cuban cigars? Not everyone will find this interesting, but I do!
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country....or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
    More soy ink – blech! Danged Californicators!
  • The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
    Too grossed-out to pee or poop. The horror…. the horror…
  • None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
    This “guy” seems to change every few years or so. There was a particularly wise fellow who occupied this post many years ago. His name was Harry S. Truman, and he said “If you want a friend in Washingotn, get a dog.” I think he was right - it’s a shame the way humans pick on each other. They are a mean-spirited bunch, sometimes. Where’s the love?
    Sometimes I hear “It’s a dog eat dog world.” I say, Kiss my starfish! Its humans that are the most inhumane species of all.

And still, we dogs love you…

Big sloppy wet kiss!!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Holy Aunt Jemima!

It was a nice sunny day so SHE and HE took me for a walk in the woods. None of us realized what grave danger we were in! When we returned home there was a story on the news about exploding maple trees. No kidding, hey! It goes like this:
Maple trees that once got tapped
No longer so, get over-sapped
The pressure builds with great foreboding
And then the tree ends up exploding.
This is really true! These old maples get so used to producing extra sap because they've been tapped for generations, that they just keep on producing whether they get tapped or not. And do you know why they're not??? It goes like this:
There's always some new diet fad
Now, the latest - carbs are bad
And maple syrup, if you try it
Has carbs that will just wreck your diet.
Right, the low-carb craze has depressed the demand for maple syrup, so the trees aren't getting tapped any more. And they're exploding, all over Vermont. It's really dangerous out in the woods, and the population of Vermont has suffered a loss because of this new phenomenon. They're warning folks to be careful. Really! They said it on the radio. It went like this:
If you live in the Green Mountain State
Leave the woods before its too late!
Ignore your car's dilapidation
Leave now, or risk decapitation!

So, I thank my lucky tennis ball that we all got home safe. We're going to open a refugee camp for Vermonters who will be emerging from the forests in droves in their vintage autos. And you may ask "But what can I do? I'm only one person." I say ...

Eat more pancakes!!!


P.S. Don't forget to watch the Iditarod!!!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Mud Season!!!

So, yes, Spring is here with all its wonderful smells and textures. Perfect, I'd say, but one dog's perfect is another man's doo-doo. That is - HE took me out to scout out some "dry" trails yesterday and we found some of the most delicious mud bogs that I've been in for quite a while and lovely streams running right down the middle of the trail. But wait, there's more! In between all that there were big areas of snow - good thing I was with HE to sniff out the way. (OK, so my nose isn't the best, but I can still navigate a LOT better than HE can, which isn't saying much...) So, I thought it was delightful, and I even got to play with the hose when I got home. Then I hear HE telling SHE how "bad" it was. I guess that means no chasing after them on their bikes out in the woods for a while. I'll just be sitting here in the yard while I watch them ride away down the street... (whine whine...)
In the meantime, its some consolation that the Iditarod is on TV this weekend. Check out the OLN TV schedule for details. I hope I can stay up that late... I'll have to take some extra naps those days! ;o-)

S - t- r - e - t - c - h out in the sun . . .


PS. Sorry for the long hiatus there, SHE was sick. I did my best to make her better, but no amount of licking or other encouragement seemed to speed her recovery. Anyway, SHE's back now and so am I.