Friday, April 08, 2005

You are what you read (or pee on...)

Wanna know a secret? Some dogs can actually read, and I am one of them. Now shhhh! Don’t tell anyone about this Confidential Canine Capability (or “CCC”, not to be confused, please, with “KKK”).

I was fortunate, during my puppy-daze, to be exposed to a wide variety of newspapers at frequent intervals. This afforded me ample opportunity to evaluate their content and other qualities and form my own impressions of their distinctive literary styles and political leanings.

The other day SHE got one of those infamous (yet sometimes entertaining) forwarded e-mails that described typical readers for a variety of newpapers. I have included the text here, along with my own comments on the various publications mentioned.

  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
    Stress! Pressure! Gave me the runs.
  • The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by the people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
    I never heard a real human use this kind of language. Is New York the land of “Uber-Humans”? Seems like a very scary place. We have some of those here in the Happy Valley, too, but they have their own reservations called "Colleges". They rarely venture out into the countryside, so I am safe.
  • USA Today is read by the people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
    Note to self: The pie chart colors bleed through to the kitchen floor if you pee on them. SHE sure knows a lot of profanity for a mom, hey!
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
    Earthy crunchy bunch of tree huggers – soy ink tastes awful!!! - I pee on your trees!!!
  • The Boston Globe is read by the people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
    More constipation. (But I’d look so good on a yacht, or cruising in the back seat of the Bentley, with my own chauffeur and a butler to throw that ball again, and again, and again…) Ahhhh, now that’s better!
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
    That self-serving cat beat me to it! I ain’t sharing my poopy place with no cat!
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
    Too busy reading – forgot to pee on paper. Remembered to pee, but on rug. Uh oh - spanky time...
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
    Did you know that some dog poops look just like fine Cuban cigars? Not everyone will find this interesting, but I do!
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country....or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
    More soy ink – blech! Danged Californicators!
  • The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
    Too grossed-out to pee or poop. The horror…. the horror…
  • None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
    This “guy” seems to change every few years or so. There was a particularly wise fellow who occupied this post many years ago. His name was Harry S. Truman, and he said “If you want a friend in Washingotn, get a dog.” I think he was right - it’s a shame the way humans pick on each other. They are a mean-spirited bunch, sometimes. Where’s the love?
    Sometimes I hear “It’s a dog eat dog world.” I say, Kiss my starfish! Its humans that are the most inhumane species of all.

And still, we dogs love you…

Big sloppy wet kiss!!


At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You is one smart dog, I are not so smart as you but you make me laugh. Maybe if dogs ran the country there wouldn't be any war, just a lot of butt sniffing an peeing. And nobody gets hurt, just stinky.

At 5:17 PM, Blogger motor20 said...

Wayyyy too political for me. I can read between the lines and the only time I see the OP/Ed page is when its rolled up and headed towards my hinny at a high rate of speed!!!

At 5:25 PM, Blogger Willie the Wonder Dog said...

I didn't mention that my former people had newspapers, but my current people do not. If they did, I think HE would be a Miami Herald reader. SHE would only be interested in the New York Post. They read all their news online, I think, and don't need papers, ven for rolling up and swatting because I never, ever do anything wrong.


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